Don’t fuck with Santa Claus by Ed

@ Walnut Creek

If you don’t believe in Christmas magic, come closer and hear my tale…

Every year, Rose and I have great fun with Elf on the Shelf. Putting the little guy into funny situations for the kids to discover each morning.

For some reason this evening, I thought it would be hilarious to put the Elf into our blender. I didn’t turn it on of course but it made for a good photograph. I chuckled as I imagined the kids squealing in the morning.

Elf on the Shelf in the blender
📷 Photograph: Ed Henderson
Elf on the Shelf in the blender
📷 Photograph: Ed Henderson

Off to bed and off to sleep, two hours later, Rose asked me to get out of bed as there was a weird noise coming from the Kitchen.

I staggered through the darkened Lounge half asleep. I misjudged the two steps from the Lounge up into the Kitchen. I caught my big toe on my right foot on the first step. I completely woke up as I found myself falling through darkness.

Instinct of course kicked in and I put out my left hand to stop myself falling. My hand went straight through one of the large glass panes that was part of the door to the Kitchen. Glass went everywhere and there was a loud smash.

By now I was still falling and my left shoulder was also about to make contact with the door. My forearm had smashed clean through the pane, but the outer edges were still jagged. I experienced a cold sharp feeling as one of the three inch spikes entered the top of my left arm. I didn’t scream, it wasn’t sore. The next thing I can remember is lying stuck against the door, the glass anchoring me in place.

Once I mustered the energy and some nerve I managed to slowly pull myself off the spike. The adrenaline was pumping and I felt a weird mix of painlessness and dizziness. I didn’t want to wake the family so I started to try and clean up the glass and blood.

As soon as Rose heard the kerfuffle, she came through from the bedroom. I managed to calm down a little, with her help. Rose got the kids out of bed and drove me down to the ER. I still felt no real pain and was definitely in a little bit of shock, but in no state to drive.

The state of my arm, post–cleanup and pre–stitches
📷 Photograph: Ed Henderson
The state of my arm, post–cleanup and pre–stitches
📷 Photograph: Ed Henderson

The Doctor cleaned up my arm and by now the adrenaline had definitely worn off and I was in agony. She gave me a painkiller shot in my arm then proceeded to give me fourteen stitches. Just for good measure, she added a Tetanus shot at the end.

My arm, post–stitches and two shots
📷 Photograph: Ed Henderson
My arm, post–stitches and two shots
📷 Photograph: Ed Henderson

The next day it looked a lot better and was well on the way to healing. Toby was happy as he thought I had a giant T on my arm just for him. I think it looks more like a Lambda.

Healing well the next day
📷 Photograph: Ed Henderson
Healing well the next day
📷 Photograph: Ed Henderson

The next evening I made pretty sure that the Elf had a comfy seat on my La–Z–Boy with a cold beer.

tl;dr — Christmas magic is real. Elfs are real. Santa is real. Don’t fuck with Santa.